Last week it seemed everyone sharing a certain review of Chris Brown’s new album dominated my Facebook timeline. Now, in case you missed it, this wasn’t your run-of-the-mill review. X-Press magazine granted their writer permission to go, well, all ‘Chris Brown’ on Chris Brown, and with hilarious consequences I hasten to add.
Now, here is a copy of the review, which I hope this really brightens up your Tuesday morning, unless you are an actual Chris Brown fan. In that case, please stay away forever:
As I am sure you will agree, this journo is, on a scale of 1 to Chris Brown, damn angry about his career, his music, his fans and probably about the air he breathes. And to be fair so are a lot of people. And on a separate note, I also thoroughly plan on campaigning for the word ‘clusterfuck’ to be added to the Oxford Dictionary by the end of the year. However, this article has got me thinking about two larger topics, for which, I would love to hear your opinions on:
1. Why has R’n’B become so shit? I affectionately refer to the works of Rihanna, Brown, Drake and co as ‘MacDonald’s music’. Its fast, it’s bad for you, and as soon as you’re done there is more lined up, ready to go. And if you can’t sing? I wouldn’t worry about it. Through the power of industrial strength auto-tuning, as long as you have a certain ‘look’ (you know, tie dye hair or butt implants) and an awesome PR team, apparently you are golden. Have you ever heard Rihanna in the Live Lounge? OUCH. Honestly, try reading out Nicki Minaj lyrics in poem form and try not to cry laughing. ‘I’m a bad bitch, no muzzle’ is one of my favourites. But at the same time, I must admit I do own a couple of Ri Ri albums. I’m just more aware than ever that I probably, deep down, don’t enjoy her music and am more brain washed through constant radio play. Brown’s music on the other hand, can swivel.
2. Chris Brown himself. This basically wouldn’t be an article about Chris Brown without the mere mention of his assault on Rhianna. And to be fair, that’s my point. Now, in no way do I condone violence in any form, but you will not find anything written about Brown that doesn’t refer to his conviction in 2009. The issue I have is, technically this man did apologise, did go to court, did plead guilty, did own up to his abominable actions and did, as dictated by western law, pay his debt to society for his crime. There is literally nothing else he can do. And seeing as the western world preaches forgiveness, it does confuse me. Especially as people, generally seem to still LOVE talking about it and the whole sorry ‘are they aren’t they affair’ between the couple years later. Maybe if you hate Chris Brown and want him to disappear, the best medicine would be to stop talking about him and feeding his (and Rihanna’s) insatiable egos. I’m sure they would both get bored and move on with their own lives then. Seriously, you think he would be on his awful 5th studio album and still be in the limelight so much if it wasn’t for the gossip columns running overtime? Come on. His fame is hardly anything to do with his music, and more to do with the fact society seems more intrigued with Rihanna’s obsession with the man who violently assaulted her.
Oh, and in other hilarious music news, last week also saw the rebirth of the artist formally known as Snoop Dogg, who we have to now refer to as Snoop Lion, might I add, with a straight face. Maybe he should just leave his ego at the pound next time.One can only hope Apple will rise to the occasion and name their new OSX after him.