I know that most of these claims are pretty dubious (have you ever looked at the small print and noticed that when ‘96% of women say they noticed a difference in a week’ the sample size is somewhere in the region of eight people?) and yet I keep on buying them – I’ve got all manner serums, primers, toners and tonics spilling from my bathroom cabinet.
I’ve surveyed my beauty bounty and now I bring you my top ten crazy make-up claims and slogans:
1. Urban Decay BB Cream: “…with light diffusing spheres…this product oxidizes to match your skin perfectly.”
Isn’t oxidizing what happens when you leave metal stuff out in the rain? But spheres that diffuse light – they sound so magical, like heroic orbs protecting me from the horrors of bad lighting and a lack of sleep.
2. Scandaleyes Lycra Flex Mascara: “Coats lashes with flexible volume and buildable bigness.”
My eyelashes don’t need spandex, just a coating of mascara thanks. And buildable bigness? This is not English. It sounds like something a two year old would say. I do want big lashes though, and it was the bright orange packaging that really sold me on this.
3. Sephora’s Time in a Bottle: “Anti-aging DNA Repair Cream…repair, rebuild your cells.”
Repairing and rebuilding cells? Is this stem cell treatment for my skin? Surely this technology should be curing diseases not evening out my crows feet? Are they actually rebuilding my skin? If so I’ll take a bigger top lip and smaller pores while they’re at it.
4. Loreal’s new Double Extend Eye Illuminator: “Illuminate your lashes, unleash your eyes!”
Unleash my eyes? I think they look better in my head actually. I don’t really want them to glow either, I’d just like them to look blacker. I did buy this though, mostly for the shiny bottle and oh my god did you see how hot Beyonce looked in the advert??
5. Loreal Lumi Magique Foundation: “Infused with reflective liquid light technology… skin looks luminous for 12 hours.”
Reflective liquid light technology? Like chemical waste? Will I look like Homer Simpson after he drank from the river that comes out of the nuclear power plant? I wouldn’t mind lighting up the room metaphorically, but luminous? No thanks. Look how pretty the model is though… So French, so glowing, to think that could be me!
6. Revlon Lash Potion Mascara: “This little wand has magical powers… the triple groove wand combs through for clump free lashes, a potion with strengthening proteins stretches lashes for spellbinding volume.”
A potion? Am I four years old? Was this made from eye of newt and deadly witch hazel? And if that wand really had magical powers I would be using it on my bank account not my eyes. Emma Stone looked FIT in the advert however, so yes, I bought it.
7. Loreal Paris Volume Million Lashes: “Become a lash millionaire! Three times thicker lashes as if they are mulitplied!”
I’m a millionaire, I be in the club drinking crystal, mo money, no lashes. Ballin’ etc. I am Cyril Sneer in my castle rolling in piles of…er, eyelashes. But look how smoking Eva Langoria is right here. I was also hoping that if I used the mascara my eyebrows would magically turn into hers too.
8. Olay Regenerist Luminous Moisturizer: “Light up every room, with skin energizing complex… renew skin cells!..now see bright, Pearlescent healthy looking skin in just 2 weeks.”
Shiny, shiny pearly skin, like my Grandma’s favourite pearl necklace. Two weeks though, that’s very quick for a new set of skin..so I’ll buy it please.
9. Maybelline Illegal Length Mascara: “Now lashes break every law of lengthening. Our first mascara with four millimetres of measurable fibre extension. The secret? A fibre fix brush and secret formula for four times extension lengthening. So long it’s illegal.”
If I was an emoji I would be hanging my head in shame, or burying it in my emoji monkey hands. ‘So long it’s illegal?’ Who are they kidding? I know that there are some pretty stringent laws on the length of eyelashes (is this why you never see camels out?) but I was feeling reckless and wild when I bought this. I haven’t been arrested yet, even though I was positively winking at a policeman yesterday with my outrageously, illegally long eyelashes…
10. Dior Foundation: “Capture Totale with Haute Nutrition.”
‘Haute Nutrition’? Like kale or goji berries for my skin? SOLD! Now pass me my bottle of luminous-DNA-regenerating-magic-organic-life elixir…